i felt the tide swing the other way and you were gone, even though you never really said anything and when i said space please you said no… but you’re gone and there’s that thing happening again and i can’t tell if you think i’ll just keep riding the wave in the rickety ol’ fishing boat but i get sea-sick really easily and it’s even easier for me to find reasons to flee… this whole time i’ve been tracking my escape routes and so i’m gone too and i really don’t want to do this anymore and i don’t think i can even tolerate seeing your stormy eyes because i’ll want to get closer and see if i can understand, can i reach you, do you even look for me or do you just assume i’ll always be there waiting? which would make sense because those are the kinds of guys i seem to get hooked on… the ones who just expect me to always be standing there, always be forgiving of everything, always be forgetting about me and my own hurts… so i tried to do different this time and opened just a little, just enough to review my escape routes because that’s the kind of vulnerability i can’t do (and i told you that from the beginning) but i also do this thing where i pick these guys who somehow can’t hear my words – my so damn painful to say out loud words that ask nicely, sweetly, pleadingly, to please don’t hurt me in that one particular way they all seem to hurt me… and you are starting to make a habit of hurting me just like that and instead of losing my voice, like i’ve been known to do… i’m leaving you behind
©2017 erin hoffman – all rights reserved
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