I can feel the wall getting a little thicker, a little more prominent and protective. I’m finding myself stuck on the other side, like an elevator door closing and I can’t decide if I want in or out. I’m tired right now – tired of the stress and hustle, tired of the first dates and funny stories, tired of being excited then disappointed… but I know I can’t go backwards. I can never go back to the cold, closed off way that I lived for so many years… but right now I just want a reprieve – to feel competent and productive, to feel like I’m good – genuinely good. I know if I start telling people I’m fine, when really I’m sad and weary and feeling a little unhinged… then I’m likely to tiptoe quietly inside the elevator and let the doors close… at least there I know I can rest. I can close my eyes and not feel. Because I feel all the damn time and I’m always doing something and I can’t ever slow down or stop or actually get anything done that I want to, that I need to. I’m so damned tired of thinking of him… I’m not even sure I like him at this point because I’m so annoyed he’s been in my head for too long. But if he goes… who’ll be there? Typically I’m cool with trusting the universe, with trusting that this one didn’t work for a reason, a new one will come my way. But I feel somethings off-kilter in the universe, and I’m afraid of what it is… normally I can also let that feeling – that very distinct feeling flow throw me, out of me, and trust the meaning will become clear in time. I don’t have that same self-trust, I don’t have that same confidence in the universe, myself, men, the mystery of life and all it’s glorious ups and downs. Right now, I feel disconnected and that’s one of the scariest things I can feel. So then I retreat, and I quietly become more neurotic and bitter until i bristle at everything and everyone. i lose my shit over forgetting to take out the garbage, the asshole driving too slow… all the things I really don’t care about. But that’s because I put this negative version of me out when my true self is trying to recover. And I’m just so tired of it right now that I’m having a hard time convincing myself that I should keep fighting, keep striving for new connections and experiences and give into that damn vulnerability. I can tell I’m not winning the fight currently as my creativity has been bland as shit lately… I don’t want to only write about heartache, whether at the hands of my father or any one of the guys I’ve pined over…I truly want to see beauty in the simplest things, but all that comes to mind is judgment and vitriol… there’s this soft quiet voice that is choking inside of me, knocking on my windpipes to break free and declare ‘everything good here, no worries, just a difficult few days…’ but I don’t know if I believe it’s only a few short days. I need to remember how amazing I always feel when the sadness fades and my heart is open and free, when i see beauty all around me and my smile is genuine. I think that’s what I’m missing most of all right now… my genuine smile. I want it back… that’s what I need to remember. my smile is genuine so much more of the time now and I need to let my body and heart do it’s thing so I can smile from the inside out again.
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