I want to be more vulnerable… that’s what I say – to others, to myself, that’s what I try to convince myself every night when my mind won’t turn off and all the hurts are fighting to break free. I need to feel this, right? Because I was silly enough to fall for you, for him, for that other guy… every time I fall for someone, every time I start to feel the scary-as-shit connective feeling, I panic so hardcore that I can’t contain it. My friends hear the same shit come out of my mouth – regardless of which fella I’m tormenting about – and they listen and they say the same shit (appropriate but repetitive because I’m repetitive in my torment) – take it easy, slow it down, don’t get so attached… all good words but completely useless as I can’t seem to follow any advice given. The thing is – I don’t want to take it easy. That’s not how I work – I fall hard, I fall too quickly, I get hurt easily, and quite honestly, I just want to find the man who can handle all of that – he can stand firm while my tornado of insecurities and fears tries to destroy everything in it’s path. I don’t want him in the eye of the storm – I want him to end the storm. Calm me down, let me spiral wildly until the fight is out and we connect and are together and I can just finally get back to that other piece of me – the one who loves tenderly and is really quite domestic. Who smiles all day long thinking of the dinner I’m going to cook for you and the cocktail in hand, ready for you when you walk in the door. Be my man and I will be your lady… not because it’s what either of us have promised to each other, but because it’s what we each choose, every night and every morning, to find our way back to each other because there’s no other place we’d rather be, no other person we’d rather be with.

But… in the meantime I’m really struggling with how to stay open and vulnerable… to figure out why I met someone who really seemed like he wanted me… and maybe he did, maybe he still does, and maybe it is all just about shitty ass timing. But that hurts and I just want to make it all go away. I want to run it off until my legs and body ache so badly I don’t even notice my heart. I just want to drink enough bourbon to stumble into dreams that hold onto me long enough that when I wake, the hangover overshadows any silly dreams I had of him and us and birthdays.

Fuck… this is hard and so embarrassing… I mean it shouldn’t be embarrassing … but that’s how I’ve always worked when it comes to liking guys… so damn vulnerable to admit I like you, to have to wait and see if you’re going to like me back, to wait for the hurt to come – because it always does – and to know I’m back to being the silly, somewhat pitied lady that just can’t seem to keep a guy around. Something must be wrong with me, right – that’s what they all think… that’s what I think, truthfully, and the idea of anyone really knowing just how fucked up and inept I really am is terrifying. But that’s where I’m at, again, twice now with this same fool so i can’t possibly try again because that would just be asking for it… so I have no choice but to move on, to disconnect from him, to find some fucking way to feel enough of the dread, achy heart bullshit that I can pretend I worked through it, instead of side-stepping it, so that perhaps, I might actually find someone special enough to know how to calm this all down.

*This is not my favorite song but the lyrics are pretty apropros to how I’m feeling at the moment*

© 2017 Erin Hoffman – all rights reserved

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