cringe

6.25.17

it’s not infrequent i cringe

at myself in the mornings

the night before fuzzy like a plastic magnifying glass

i can’t seem to shake you

i can’t seem to hold onto me

long enough, strong enough

to fully break free

in the morning with sobriety pulling back the sleep from my eyes

i cringe at what i see, what i’ve become

and heavy is the weight of it all

so by nightfall

i slip back into you, back into drink

back into the safety of your plastic promises

 

©2017 erin hoffman – all rights reserved

blossom

6.19.17

i can feel your body walking

away from this world

soft steps across the calm lake surface

your horizon fading and we all watch

the moon and darkness overtake the skies

in the morning

when you no longer walk this earth

your footprints will blossom into a million wild flowers

 

©2017 erin hoffman – all rights reserved

compliment

 

somehow when he tells me how sexy i am

it doesn’t feel like a compliment

it feels like an explanation

like a justification for why he’s fucking me

for why i’m in his bed this time…

but i swallow his words the way i try to swallow him, that moment

choking against my tonsils

the confusion scraping against my teeth

he mistakes my moaning, my gagging for

acceptance

he doesn’t realize that when i say

oh baby, when he’s saying goddamn woman,

i’m really saying

i think you’re sexy too –

and i don’t mean that as a compliment

 

©2017 erin hoffman – all rights reserved

hangover eyes

You always have hangover sad eyes in the morning

I’m left trying to figure out me and how to respond

Do I feel guilty for providing my body –

another one of your vices?

Do I feel shame you can’t wake with the same glint in your eyes

when the vodka is gone?

when you see me next to you in the morning?

Do I feel embarrassment

you find me sour like the hangover that plagues you all day?

Maybe I could take your sweet nothings you whispered to me while we fucked –

sew them into the lining of my purse

Maybe I could photograph the way your eyes lit up last night –

tint it into sepia for the faded and timeless effect

So when I’m filled with doubt and

my own bitter regret

I can pretend

this was a timeless affair

this was an aftershock for both of us

this was real

vices

I have vices that shame me

vices that glorify me

vices that whip a cocoon around me…

vices that see me and want to hide me and protect me … from me.

I am my vices

i am my own cocoon

i am me and there is no hiding me.

i am me…

even when i can’t stand to see me

even when i need a cacoon to protect me and hide me.

i am my father’s daughter…

i am a sliver of a monster you deposited in my mother to create me.

i am a monster using vices to hide the real me because the monster that is in me

i know i can never escape

 

©2017 erin hoffman – all rights reserved

distant

you are not always my favorite past-time…

there are those days

when the blue skies stretch endlessly

and i get lost among all the blades of grass outstretched and dancing

the wind carrying me effortlessly from past to present…

if I told you you were just a metaphor and all

the scars carried over from past lovers

was just an analogy for how

i crave my lovers extinct and distant

would you look for your own blade of grass to get lost in

or maybe

you’d try to make my bruises your home

or maybe you’d

just sit back under outstretched blue skies

and mistake my scar-tissued body for

the softness of fresh grass under bare feet

 

 

©2017 erin hoffman – all rights reserved